Category Archives: Faux News

Gay Village on the Cannon

Collegeville Development Group announced earlier today that it was changing its policy of marketing its Village on the Cannon condo facility in Northfield to seniors in favor of the gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, transgender (GLBT) market.

Citing a recent article in USA Today on a GLBT seniors retirement community called RainbowVision in Santa Fe, Collegeville spokesperson C Hollinger Petters stated, “It became apparent that we needed to respond to the market demand. Since both colleges have switched their focus to hiring more openly gay professors to increase student tolerance levels, somebody needed to offer hip housing to attract this sophisticated gay and lesbian clientele to this city. I mean really, cows and contentment? That is so yesterday.”

Unlike the Sante Fe community, VOC will be open to GLBT’s of any age. Current condo owners, most of whom are straight or still in the closet, will not be asked to sell. “We don’t think we can legally request this,” said Petters.
Full disclosure: VOC is a client.

City forms Parking Quality Control Commission

jimpokorney100w.jpgThe City of Northfield has formed a Parking Quality Control Commission (PQCC) to address the problem of irresponsible use of parallel parking spots in downtown Northfield. Councillor Jim Pokorney introduced the measure at last week’s Council meeting. Pokorney nominated Ken Bank, Jim Gleason, and Joel Pumper to be the initial members of the commission, with four others to be appointed a later date. The measure passed unanimously.

“It’s gotten to the point where some drivers — and I don’t have to tell you what gender I’m talking about — are treating parallel parking spots as diagonal parking. It’s starting to have a negative economic impact on downtown businesses. We have an Environmental Quality Commission (EQC). It’s time we did the same for parking quality.”

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On Saturday morning, the new PQCC (left photo, click to enlarge) went into action in front of the Goodbye Blue Monday when an unidentified woman from the group of runners parked her van and joined her friends inside. She was issued a warning citation which was forwarded to the Northfield Police Department. The department now has the option of using a GPS device to track the vehicle so that one of its officers can issue a parking citation ($25) should the violation be observed again.

“They should be called the Parking Control Vigilante Group,” said Nancy Amerman Anne Meyer Ruppel Nancy Amerman (3rd from right in right photo above). “It wasn’t my car — I parked in the back to avoid their intimidation tactics — but somehow this isn’t right. Women are being targeted unfairly here. How would they like it if there was an ordinance regulating the display of protruding middle-aged male bellies — a clear blight on our sidewalks?”