Chamber Spring Pub Crawl to feature naked sushi and the ‘Tobacco Monologues’

nakedsushi0en The Northfield Area Chamber of Commerce announced yesterday that its 2008 Spring Pub Crawl will feature both naked sushi and performances of the ‘Tobacco Monologues.’

Kathy Boogiefallen, Executive Director of the Chamber, recently heard about naked sushi nights coming to Minneapolis as well as the indoor smoking ban loophole discovered by barroom thespians all over the state of Minnesota.  “Northfield’s an open-minded, progressive arts community with a history of citizens challenging the status quo and TPTB. The opportunity to gently poke a stick in the eye of the legislature while nourishing ourselves artistically was too great to pass up.”

tobacco The ‘Tobacco Monologues’ will be hosted at the Contented Cow. Norman Bottler, proprietor, will station staff at both doors of his establishment. “We want to ensure that all performers are suitably costumed, have learned their lines, and have an ample supply of smoking paraphernalia before they take the stage. My only concern is that my dear ol’ mum might not approve.”

Dave Eviscerate, proprietor of Froggy Bottoms, jumped at the opportunity to host the naked sushi night. “It’s more than the ‘bottoms’ connotation that makes this a good fit for us. We have a reputation for hosting events which celebrate the beauty of the female form and to be able to do this in a unique way with food is a special opportunity. It’ll be all be done tastefully but we’ll have bouncers equipped with pitchers of cold water on hand in case more than suspicions are aroused during the course of the meal.”

The Chamber has approached both WINGS (Women in Northfield Giving Support) and the League of Women Voters of Northfield about supplying local models for the naked sushi night. “Negotiations with representatives of both groups are proceeding,” said Boogiefallen. “Where and how to conduct auditions seems to be the only sticking point.”

16 thoughts on “Chamber Spring Pub Crawl to feature naked sushi and the ‘Tobacco Monologues’”

  1. Griff, I heard some “real” good news about the Ole Store. I think you should check it out. Besides, I would rather hear about our wonderful, hometown, Northfield raised, professional pastry chef’s new venture than raw fish.

  2. Griff,
    Can you tell me when the ‘tobacco monologues’ is happening? Norman neglected to fill me in on yet another of his schemes.

  3. Ok, did I get sucked into one of Griff’s faux stories? It seemed quite real! It must be the Arizona sun…(I should have read it closer – I didn’t even notice the names!)

  4. Griff,

    Once again I must disapprove of another of your faux stories and scold you for it.

    When I scan the Scriptures, I find that God often approves of nudity or nakedness (seems to have created it, in fact, though the Lord of the Universe was so preoccupied with Other Matters at the time of the Creation that it slipped the Divine Mind to tell the Occupants of Eden about this until the Unhappy Incident with the Serpent).

    However, we are also told repeatedly in the Scriptures that we are not to uncover someone else’s nakedness. I suppose that technically this does not quite rule out naked sushi since there are said to be carefully placed clothing patches under the sushi.

    Hence, I believe God would very, very reluctantly approve of naked sushi in Northfield, save for one consideration….

    Raw fish. Sushi is not recommended in the Bible. While there are over 60 references to fish, only a few mention methods of preparation, and none of these include raw fish with sauces. It seems that broiling, salting to preserve, or cooking over a fire, qualifies as acceptable (except for catfish, eels, sharks, rays, or lamprey) but eating raw fish is not said to be okay.

    Perhaps we could hold naked broiled or salted fish nights in Northfield, but
    it seems to me that this raw fish idea must eliminate any further consideration of naked sushi nights in town. It ain’t the nakedness; it’s the rawness.

  5. Clay,

    Considering for a second that there was actually going to be a naked sushi night in Northfield, or let alone sushi at all, the problem with your position is that biblical scripture does not and should never dictate a preferred fish preparation method (among other things) for the masses as a whole. But for those who ascribe to said religious beliefs? Sure, why not.

  6. So for persons with Judeo-Christian interests left in Northfield, we will be holding naked broiled fish every Friday night at Saint Dominic. During Scandinavian holidays, we will be holding naked lutefisk at Saint John’s. It is possible the Baptists are holding naked catfish dinners, but I don’t know since I have not been over there and back lately.

  7. Tyson, thanks for your remark. However, I hope you know that the fish I served yesterday had a tongue fixed firmly in its gill.

  8. Clay,

    I was a bit to eager to defend my old man’s “weirdness” and realized that after I had already posted. Don’t I feel a bit silly. You could say I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

    For myself I’d recommend a good ol’fashioned fish fry. I’m a bit on the boney side so be careful.


  9. In my opinion, as a United Methodist pastor with nearly 26 years of experience in these matters, the most likely outcome of the naked sushi movement among Methodist church circles would be naked tuna casserole hotdish–with potato chips crumbled on the top for added flavor. Thanks for asking; I share this information in a spirit of all-embracing ecumenism and concern for the common good. Also, I will do anything to stop the raw fish movement from making its way upstream in our town.

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