Mary Closner featured in Jan/Feb issue of Girlfriends

Mary Closner

While visiting the offices of Construction Consulting Partners (a client) last week, I noticed the Jan/Feb 09 issue of Girlfriends (‘where local women turn’) and that CCP staffer Mary Closner was featured in the magazine’s Daddy’s Girl column on the back. The issue is not yet available on the Girlfriends website but should be soon. (continued)

According to this January 5 article in the Northfield News (links are mine):

Mainstream Publications LLC, parent company of the Northfield News, added three new employees and formed a new media division, I-35 Target Media, headquartered in the downtown Northfield News building. I-35 Target Media launched three publications in 2008: 35C business magazine, Girlfriends women’s lifestyle magazine and the Life, Wellness and Eco-Directory.


  1. And due to popularity of Mary’s “Daddy’s Girl” story — we can’t keep Girlfriends on the shelf here in Northfield! I-35 targetmedia will also be using Mary as a regular columnist and freelance writer for our regional women’s magazine due to her popularity and… hilarity!

    This is why I think Mary has resonated with women in Northfield and in the region:

    Anyone and everyone who has met Mary downtown Northfield knows that she just enjoys herself in conversations and this can be seen in her writing. She doesn’t take herself or others… too seriously.

    Mary’s mom, Maxine said to me the other day that she has the ability to take an ordinary story and make it a life event that we can all share and absolutely laugh our … heads off. Ask her about her mundane experiences with her hair products and you will know what I mean.

    As you might guess I am a huge fan of the “Mary” and I understand like Cher she will soon need only one name. Mary has an uncanny knack for keeping her dialougue and monologue fresh and playful — and is open to unseen twists and offhand comments (much to Maxine’s chagrin)

    Griff! I am so glad you blogged the soon to be famous Mary! She has a vivid presence downtown, in Girlfriends, and in the midst of of life’s constant chaos Mary is just plain human and very, very funny!

    February 9, 2009
  2. Jerry Bilek said:

    Mary’s column is great. I highly recommend it. Or better yet, meet her in person at Swag. It’s like free stand-up. Of course, Mary’s humor is sweeter with a carmel or six. and the peanuts are divine. and our dog loves his snake.

    her taste in bikes is impeccable, but I might question her book recommendations, at least one of them 😉

    February 9, 2009
  3. My favorite catch phrase in Mary’s Girlfriends article is,”It’s not in your job description — but it will be in your replacements.”

    And, BEWARE: Mary is the local dealer for the new addictive “drug” to hit the streets: those darn caramels she gives out for anyone who will listen to her comedy routine at SWAG.

    February 9, 2009
  4. Mary Closner said:

    If I weren’t so shy and demure, I would respond to the aforementioned comments by saying:

    Jerry – You are gonna wish you were nicer to me when I’m making up that list of folks to invite to my red carpet after party. And, technically, it is your fault for making our Book Club read all those hard books with them big words. I just like the ones with pictures…

    And to my new Manager/Agent Machelle – This is why I pay you the big bucks…please let me know when I can expect Oprah’s call!

    And James…I’m the youngest of six and I live alone…I must chat up everyone at Swag. I’m not good when left alone (or quiet) for long periods of time. And as far as the caramels go, Mom says we will never make a profit on them due to the sheer volume I consumed over the holidays! Twelve-step program on Thursday evenings anyone?!

    February 9, 2009
  5. Mary,

    Please confirm that you will do a “Tom Cruise” and jump up and down on Oprah’s couch declaring my greatness — and I will make that talk-show thing happen.

    So any interest in the Jerry Springer Show– should I have his people call your people?


    February 9, 2009
  6. Mary Closner said:

    Machelle – If you get me on Oprah, I promise to do something highly memorable but hopefully, less career wrecking than Tom’s antics. Perhaps I could tell her the story about the time my skirt came off at a client dinner which I didn’t realize until I got up to pay the bill?!

    I also hope Oprah has Nate come over and re-do my entire house or that she gives me a car. Either one would be brilliant!


    February 9, 2009
  7. Edgar said:

    Ok, so it’s about time Mary Closner was discovered for her true talent: real-deal humor. For those of you who recall Erma Bombeck’s no nonsense approach to life will relate to Mary’s writings; and to think of all the other stories she has waiting in the wings. Publishers, line up now if you are smart for first dibs on her life story. Name changes will be a necessity; I’m afraid I’ll have to insist.

    February 9, 2009
  8. Edgar,

    Erma Bombeck’s comedy was based on her life as a midwestern suburban housewife– somehow that’s not working for me as descriptor of the “Mary.”

    Here’s my list:

    Ellen DeGeneres
    Rita Rudner
    Paula Poundstone

    Although Mary’s comedy is in a class all by itself– (I think this was true of her grade school years as well) I think Mary is not Erma. Although, let’s conspire to re-nickname her so… she’ll love that.

    February 10, 2009
  9. Mary: That 12-Step Group for those caramels– sign me up… “Hi, my name is James it has been 8 days since my last caramel.” Is there also a recovery program for those Virginia peanuts?

    Machelle: I think Mary’s funny business is most like Tina Fey.

    February 10, 2009
  10. Sherma Mather said:

    I SO enjoyed reading Mary’s “Daddy’s Girl” article! And I’ve begun using her dad and his catchphrases as resources for motivational tools in my own sales meetings “yeah? well, people in hell want ice water”.
    Mary’s voice comes through – it’s like talking to her in person! I was excited to hear that she would be writing the initial story, and I look forward to the next installment!

    February 10, 2009
  11. Christie Spencer said:

    I have been an amiga (AKA fan) of Mz Closner’s for many many years ~ and for the right amount of money am agreeable to share more than a few truly epic stories about our one of a kind star heroine! (IE the November she dressed as a mermaid and did a photo shoot at a very public fountain in preparation of that year’s Christmas card picture ~ the police did not find her amusing!)

    LOVED “Daddy’s Girl” column on so many levels ~ MOST certainly the humor ~ but also because of the “truth” that was such a significant element of the story ~ as is true in all Mary’s adventures! I want to read more!

    February 10, 2009
  12. Beth Closner said:

    Remember that old, often misstated, quote, ”make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men’s blood”

    Well, Mary has no small stories! And perhaps she is not unlike a friend who was described like this – “He has alot of stories – some of them are even true!”

    Well – all I can say is stay tuned…..

    February 10, 2009
  13. Lucy Sweitzer said:

    I just read the article in Girlfriends! Oh, my gosh– Mary’s Dad sounds just like my Dad! Mary is one of those women you just always want to listen to – I enjoy her so throughly.

    Mary just has the best stories – she is a downtown treasure!!

    February 10, 2009
  14. Edgar said:

    Hi Machelle: I understand completely regarding the Erma comment, but she rose to success with her talents about everyday life whether that be her kids, or Mary’s wonderful version of her life. So I stand true to my conviction, and comparison. People relate to the innocence of both writer’s humor; that’s what makes them special within their own categories.

    Now, I do like your idea about a re-nickname; toss a few thoughts my way, and I shall follow your lead.

    February 10, 2009
  15. Edgar: How do you feel about Jingles? I’ve given some thought to Princess and the Peanuts but it just doesn’t have the same tonal quality as Jingles.

    We should also work on her nom de plume because once word gets out, you know The New Yorker, Vanity Fair, and Cosmo will be calling.

    From your above comment– it also would be prudent to pick out Mary’s pen name to protect the innocent.

    February 10, 2009
  16. sally grans said:

    Mary’s humor is better than Paula, Sienfield and Ellen as it comes from the humor of being raised and grown in ;fly over land’. Keep up the wicked humor and pass the ice cream !

    February 11, 2009
  17. Diane Mason said:

    I count Mary as one of my best friends. Judging by the response to her recent column in your publication, it appears I’m not the only one. Clearly, her gift for the written word has us all feeling like we’ve known her or at the very least, WANT to know her. She’s down to earth, honest, amusing beyond belief and refreshing. I would like to see her as a regular contributor, and feel it only right that she should pay me dearly for every word I’ve written here today. Love you, Mar. You’re the best. You remember I like dark chocolate, right?

    Editors: She’s a keeper!!

    February 11, 2009
  18. Mary Closner said:

    I appreciate all the kind comments! You will all, of course, be invited to be on my talk show once it is up and running. I do love to write and I am fairly certain that if the world ran my way, things would be so much better.

    In the meantime, I also know a large number of you have blackmail photos of me and probably a substantial amount of associated documentation. What will it cost me to keep each of you quiet?
    I’m afraid…I’m very afraid!

    February 12, 2009
  19. Edgar said:

    Alas, if there is one story I wish she would write about, it would be about the year she sent out the photo Christmas card with her fake family (you all remember this).
    She borrowed a husband, dog, baby, toddler, and a wedding ring for the picture. She sent out the card with no explanation. People couldn’t believe she got married without telling them, let alone adopted a child and had a baby. That is, until she had to return the wedding gifts and tell everyone it was a joke. It was years ago and I think her Mom is still getting over it.

    February 12, 2009
  20. When I proofed Mary’s column (my attempt at taking credit for her fame)..I was so entertained! I just wanted more more !!! Mary is too funny. Seriously. And you should see her drawings. There is hidden talent in this girl!

    February 12, 2009
  21. Peggy Rasmussen said:

    How do you solve a problem like Mary? You don’t! You sit back and enjoy the show (oh, and believe me, it is a show).

    Mary (Maxine as I prefer) is a blast of fun in a sometimes too bland mid-western landscape. When I was about 11 months pregnant I got a call from the reception desk informing me that I had a delivery. I waddled down to the front desk and behold — a very large, very beautifully wrapped box awaited me. I opened it up and discovered a hot pink feather boa and a cheeky note from Mary. Just what every ginormous pregnant women needs! I wore it proudly all day – dropping feathers in my wake. Thanks Max!

    I fully expect “Mary” will be coming to the WB this fall. I know I’ll Tivo.

    February 14, 2009
  22. Christie Spencer said:

    Mary ~ just got a letter from my dad in regards to the 80th birthday celebration we did for him ~ I quote:”I received 106 birthday cards ~ got one from my friend tall Mary who wrote a cute card. I miss her!” There you go girl ~ another affirmation of the men you have left behind! xo

    February 27, 2009
  23. Felicia Frontain said:

    Mary Closner is a hidden treasure. I live in Tucson, AZ and received a copy of her article. As always I am so impressed by her ability to take mundane situations and make them take on a much more vibrant hue. She needs to be writing a monthly column, especially with her background as a professional model in mermaid wear! Photos to follow.
    LL&K your fans in Tucson!!

    March 1, 2009

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